dreaming

on days when i feel particularly haggard, i like to picture my life seven years from now. at that point, i will have a 16-year-old, an almost-14-year-old, an almost-12-year-old, a 9-year-old, and an almost-7-year-old. most importantly, all my children will be in full-day school, and i will be left to myself for about 6 hours on school days. i realize that by the time i am actually in this situation, my responsibilities will have shifted gradually, and maybe i won't want to do the things i want to do now, and other things will of necessity fill the time. however, i have been meaning to make a list of things i wish i could do but can't because i would have to bring small children with me. so, in no particular order, here is a non-exhaustive list of what i like to picture myself doing when i am in a situation to do so:

• take a class or two at the community college. someday i would like to be able to help my kids with their math homework when it gets beyond arithmetic and geometry, and that would involve finally conquering my fear and loathing of calculus. also, someday i would like to learn how to program. but both of those ideas are if i want to challenge myself by leaving my comfort zone. if i don't feel like doing that, i would take german classes, art history, linguistics (doesn't a masters in linguistics sound like fun?!), maybe sewing or a cooking or nutrition class. that list is only the tip of the iceberg.
• find an orchestra or wind ensemble to join. i have a feeling most of these would rehearse in the evening, which might make it prohibitive, although i'll have teenagers who can be home by themselves...
• get a massage, manicure, pedicure, haircut, facial...
• learn to play the oboe or cello, and practice piano and flute. how different my life would be if i had started on the oboe instead of the flute. but at least i could practice something without interruption if nobody were home during the day.
• volunteer in classrooms of my children, chaperon field trips, actually go to PTA meetings. sometimes i feel pressure from other moms at the school. i'm sure it's all in my mind, because if i ever vocalize the guilt i feel for not even having a desire to be involved in the PTA, i get incredulous looks and "but you have three other kids to worry about!" kind of comments from my friends who are on committees and volunteer weekly in the classroom and go on field trips with their kids. so, my time will come. i have great memories of my mom coming on field trips with my classmates and me.
• keep up with laundry and ironing. i don't know why this is an aspiration of mine. i hope that by the time i have a 16-year-old, they will be doing most of their own laundry. but right now, i don't really have a system, and i feel like i can't ever take a day and actually catch up because somebody needs to be fed or watered or cleaned or i need a nap more than life itself.
• go on lunch dates with friends. just a meal out in the middle of the day, and having until 3 to do it. awesome.
• take a nap at 10 am.
• go to movies, shop, run errands. probably the novelty of being able to do the things i already do right now but without any children will wear off eventually (although i don't go to movies in the middle of the day with children right now). that's probably what i dream about the most.

now, lest ye think that this is all i think about all the time and make myself miserable because it's such a drag to do anything with children, i don't.

i love my life right now and i enjoy my kids. grocery shopping with a two-year-old is sometimes more fun than going by myself (at least my current 2-year-old), and even going places like the post office or the mall for something specific is fine with kids in tow.

and i'm sure i will miss the mayhem that surrounds me most of my days right now. for example, my two older boys were just chasing each other with nerf guns (the younger one had a fake pistol and the older had a machine gun--go figure), and the younger was down here, hiding behind the counter for cover, waiting for the older to come get him with his giant gun. while he waited, i heard a small crunching sound and looked over to find him snacking on an errant frosted mini-wheat. you can't make this stuff up.

i know they will grow into themselves and be creative in other, maybe less messy ways than they are right now, but there is a purity and sweetness to the yogurt-covered countertop and grapenut sprinkled floor after breakfast, the absolute disorder of a lego-covered bedroom floor, and the half-finished art projects on the kitchen table, complete with tiny shapes cut out of the exact center of a piece of cardstock. someday they'll eat with spoons and know how to pour cereal without spilling, remember to put the milk back in the fridge and even close the door. that may not be until they're married, but i'm doing my best to train them now, future wives of my little men. someday they'll be responsible for their own laundry, have some semblance of order in their bedrooms (even if it's a mystery to everyone but the occupant(s) of said bedroom), and do dishes without being asked. at that point, i'll wonder where i fit in and have a whole other set of problems as a mother, i'm sure.

but some days, slogging through yet another load of stinky laundry because somebody wet the bed or pooped in his underwear, having walked to the school three times with my very pregnant body and stuffing a squirming screaming toddler into the stroller three times, operating on 6 hours of not-awesome sleep, and looking around the house and seeing an utter disaster at every turn because i haven't had the energy or time or will to do anything to maintain the order that probably once reigned (for seventeen seconds), and trying to figure out what i can make for dinner in 25 minutes that dwindles to 15 while i make a space in the kitchen to cook and then change a diaper and argue about why someone isn't finished with his homework, 6 hours to myself sounds amazing!