i've been partially composing this post for a few days now. i was chatting with a friend whose youngest child is 3 as she passed my 8-month-old back to me, and she told me she missed having a little baby. that got me thinking about how my baby is going to grow up someday, and then i'll miss things about having a baby, too. i won't miss the sleep deprivation. or my utterly sore body that doesn't have a chance to heal between feedings. or the feeling of being trapped when my arms are full.
i feel that i am seeing my past, present, and future all at once. i have an almost-middle-schooler, a 2nd-grader, a kindergartner, a 3-year-old and an 8-month-old. i can see glimpses of my future with teenagers, i am in the middle of elementary school parenting (i think i counted ten more years of elementary school in my future), and i look a bit differently at this baby because she is most likely my last. i watch her every milestone and remember four others', and remember my own growing-up years as a mother to them. soon, i won't be changing diapers and wiping noses, and my biggest worry won't be the size of the mess in the house. i don't know what my future will be. i just know it won't be my past, and that's okay. i'm going to have to learn new things and pray differently about my life and my children. and maybe i can pass on some of the things i've learned in the last ten years.
so here are the things i am enjoying (and have enjoyed) about having a baby (in no particular order):
1. how the baby reacts when she sees me. her face lights up, and her legs and arms wave and kick, as if all of her dreams were coming true all on the same day. i don't even have to be carrying cupcakes and lollipops or do a dance. i just have to be in the room and she's so happy she doesn't know what to do with herself.
2. the feeling of the baby squeezing me. she scrunches up her whole body, puts her little arm around my neck and gathers whatever she can reach in her little fists. baby hugs!
3. the absolute sweetness of the baby falling asleep on my breast. i believe this is the thing i love the most because it happens in private, and i have no pictures of it, for obvious reasons. it's a mixture of satisfaction and peace and staggering love for my baby. satisfaction because i can provide the solution for a fussy baby. peace because sleep is peaceful, and the face of a sleeping baby just makes everything right with the world. and maybe i'm just describing the effect of oxytocin surging through me, but it is real. those quiet moments after the baby falls asleep are filled with such beauty (no, not every time), like getting a glimpse of what God must feel for us.
4. being the only one who can make it right. there is something gratifying about watching my baby lurch in my direction when she sees me and someone else is holding her. i just know that to her, i am the whole world.
for now. :)
