do you ever have one of those days when it seems like you get called out on each not-so-fine moment you have? i had one of those today. i was at the park with my 2- and 5-year-old children, chatting with other moms i know. my children don't normally need close supervision at the park, but today i guess my daughter was in a mood. i heard crying, so i looked over to where she was and it was not my daughter crying, but a little girl in very close proximity to my daughter. i walked over there to figure out what had happened, and the other little girl's very helpful and observant father said, "she pushed her down--twice." i wasn't looking at his face as he said this because i was trying to get my daughter to apologize, which she wouldn't. so i removed her from the swing area and got her to do something else. before i even left that scene, the other little girl had stopped crying and was quite happily playing on the next swing over--obviously no damage done, except, apparently, to her father.
later, right before school pick-up time, this same daughter (the 2-year-old) was bringing our pumpkins from the porch to the couches inside. i told her to put them back on the porch and then continued to prepare myself to leave by getting my youngest son to get his shoes on and get his scooter, etc., and checked my email. then from outside, i hear, "excuse me?" i walked over to the front door, which was open, and see a couple who had pulled over. they were bringing my child to me. "your child was in the street. the middle of the street." in that tone that says, i don't think you are fit to bring life into this world. how dare you inconvenience me by willfully allowing your child to go into the street and make me stop because of your incompetence. i could have misinterpreted the father at the park--maybe he didn't mean to sound so severe and i just took it wrong. but there was no misunderstanding this woman. she gave several sighs of disbelief that i could be such a bad mother as she went back to her companion, muttering under her breath.
now, i'm not trying to say that i was completely without fault in these instances. i could have paid closer attention to my daughter at the park--i could have followed her around the whole time and held her hands down, even. i could have bolted the door this afternoon and she probably wouldn't have gotten into the pumpkins in the first place. or i could have followed her out the door to place the pumpkins that she had brought inside instead of staying inside and checking my email. but i didn't.
i think i handled these encounters the best way i knew how. all i said to the disapproving woman was, "thank you," because i did appreciate that she was there, saw my daughter, pulled over, and then tried to find the right place for her rather than leave her in the street. or call the cops. she kept trying to bait me though. i had a feeling she almost wanted it to turn into a full-blown altercation about whether i was a fit mother. i had a few responses forming in my head as she walked away, shaking her head, but i didn't say anything else.
of course, here i am blogging about it, so clearly i haven't completely been able to let it go. i just wish these encounters had either a) never happened, or b) happened in a way that i could have felt some understanding rather than judgment. sometimes i feel that people "help" with the intention of maybe showing me how it "should" be done, and if i were as enlightened or evolved or something as they are, that i wouldn't be in this situation in the first place, endangering these poor innocent children. and if you are going to "help" with that attitude, whom are you helping? are you trying to make yourself feel superior? do you really think you have everything figured out and the hapless mother whose child is in the street is probably on drugs or something? i don't know the answers to any of these questions. i'm just trying to sort this out in my head so that i can continue to try my best, and move on knowing that i'm the right woman for this job of raising these particular children who have been sent to me. i don't think i'm alone in feeling a little shaky in that belief sometimes. right now i'm six months pregnant and i have four other children to take care of. and i'm just tired. and that makes me a bit overwhelmed some days, which means i might not make the most optimal decisions all the time. i'm human. i'm not asking for pity, or complaining that i don't have a live-in nanny. i love being a mother. but the fact is it does take a village. the village just wasn't that kind to me today.
there. the end.
